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  • "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
  • "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
  • "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"
  • "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"
  • "Be Nice to Your Children... They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
  • "Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
  • "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
  • "Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You'll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die"
  • "I Want It All and I Want It Delivered... Now ! "
  • "Life Is Hard; Then Your Not Here "
  • "Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
  • "I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man... I've Been Practicing Since 1949"
  • "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
  • "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
  • "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"
  • "60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts... Make Offer"
  • "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
  • "If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"
  • "A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
  • "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"
  • "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
  • "My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
  • "I Yell Because I Care"
  • "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
  • "Procrastinate Now"
  • "Rehab Is for Quitters"
  • "Re-Elect Nobody"
  • (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"
  • "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
  • "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
  • "Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"
  • (On a baby-size shirt) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
  • "I Don't Suffer from Insanity.... I'm a Carrier"
  • "El Nino Made Me Do It"
  • "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"
  • "I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling "
  • "You Who Think You Know It All Are Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do"
  • "I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About"
  • "The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity"
  • "I'm Not Getting Older....I'm Getting Meaner "
  • "That Was Zen; This Is Tao"
  • "Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word"
  • "Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs "
  • "It IS As Bad As You Think, and They ARE Out to Get You"
  • "I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days"
  • "Why Is 'Abbreviation' Such a Long Word?"
  • "There Are Three Kinds of People... Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't"
  • "Familiarity Breeds"
  • "Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out"
  • "Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You're Still an idiot"
  • "When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS"
  • "Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm Rich Enough to Be a Republican"
  • "I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die"
  • "A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother"
  • "Disregard Last T-Shirt"
  • "I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do"
  • "I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I'm Gonna Get"
  • "Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional"
  • I'm Not 50--I'm 18 with 32 Years Experience"
  • "Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young"
  • "My Wife Says I Don't Listen to Her...Well ? "
  • "Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn't See Any Hill!"
  • "I'm Not Unemployed... I'm a Consultant"
  • "All I Ask Is That You Try Me "
  • "Goodbye Tension... Hello Pension"

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